Snape's Adventures In Muggleland
by Avalon Estel
Summary: Alu returns, and this time with a new fic! The day to day adventures of one Severus Snape as he struggles to survive around Muggles, Death Eaters, Dark Lords, and idiots. Loads of Death Eaters and stupidity!
1. The Souvenir Shop

Snape's Adventures in Muggleland

A/N: HELLO! I came back. (sniffs) Isn't that wonderful? (long silence)

"No!" came a cry from the audience.

Ah, hush. You owe me for letting all those characters chase me. I'm still on the run, you know.

"We were hoping it would take a little longer," muttered some random guy.

Well, it didn't, so there. Since _some _of you seemed to miss me…(There is a long line of murmuring at this statement) Oh, everyone's, a critic. Anyway, I'm writing this so read it…OR DIE! And many thanks to everyone who reviewed "Sirius Black's Day Care Center", and Super Shayde for inspiring this one!

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Chapter One: Lots of Idiocy

_At the souvenir shop_

"Hello. Welcome to Snape's Souvenirs for Happy Chirpy Tourists. We make shoppers happy. My name's Severus. How can I help you?" Snape said ever so sarcastically, really starting to hate his part-time job.

"Um, like, hello," said a young female tourist. "Well, I was, like, wondering, I found this, like, totally cool t-shirt, but um, it has a name of a band on it called 'The Weird Sisters'." She held up a blood red t-shirt with bulging purple letters that spelled out the name "The Weird Sisters".

Snape looked at her expectantly. "And?" he asked, almost completely clueless.

"Um, like, do you have one with Aaron Carter on it?" she asked.

He sighed. "Oh my gosh…of all the lousy…" Once again he sighed. "What's the name of that mouse you Americans like?" he asked, rubbing his temples.

"Um, like, Mickey Mouse," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Right, right. Of course." He promptly cleared his throat. "HEY, EVERYONE, LOOK! IT'S MICKEY MOUSE!" he shouted as all his customers looked around, including the girl. He pulled out his wand and the letters changed to resemble the name of the Muggle singer she wanted.

"Um, like, no it wasn't," she said.

"Oh, so, sorry. YOU'RE ALL ALLOWED TO GET BACK TO YOUR MEANINGLESS LIVES, CITIZENS! THERES NOTHING TO SEE!" He turned back to the girl. "Oh, and the name of the person you were looking for is on the shirt. So why did you ask?" he asked, trying to look confused.

She turned the shirt over and smiled stupidly. "Like oh-my-gosh! Would you look at that?" She giggled. "Like, thanks, grumpy manager!" she cried, paying him and skipping out of the shop.

Snape sighed. He glanced sideways at the clock. Oh, thank goodness. One more minute and this store would be closed. How wonderful. He still had some…things that needed to be completed. And he was running low on shampoo. He'd have to fix that. _Three, two, one. YES! _He cleared his throat. "Okay, everyone, the store is officially closed," he said into the phone, which connected to some wires, which lead to the speakers that were set up all over the room.

A very long line formed behind the counter. People were paying for their items and leaving. Last in line was a small brunette. She had dark brown eyes and her hair in a ponytail, and her finger in her mouth. He looked around; no one else was there. "Hello. How can I help you?" he asked, getting annoyed by her constant staring. Why didn't she blink?

Slowly she held up her teddy bear. Snape took it. "What? You wanna buy it? Is that what you want?" Snape said slowly so she could understand.

"I now English. I'm not stupid, you know," she said, laying her hands on her hips.

Snape stood in shock, his mouth hanging open. He regained his sanity after a few moments. "I never said you were. Now what do you want me to do with it?" he asked, glaring at the girl.

"Hug it, stupid," she said, rolling her eyes and acting like Snape was slow.

"Well, what if I decided not to?" Snape said mockingly to the girl. "What if I just don't feel like hugging yourstupid teddy bear? Huh? You gonna do something about it?" Snape asked, shoving the girl's teddy bear back in her hands.

"DADDY!" The girl cried, tears welling up in her eyes.

A man ran in. "Yes, sweetie?" he asked gently, panting.

"This man won't hug Teddy," she said, pointing at Snape.

The man looked at Snape and gulped. He quickly adjusted his glasses. "Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry about all this," he said very quietly and looked utterly terrified.

"Yeah? Well, you should not be here. My store closed two minutes ago and you're both still here and you're making me late for my own business! SO GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY STORE!" Snape yelled and stomped out of the shop, pushing the two people along with him. He stepped out the door along with the other two, and turned the sign on the glass window to "closed" before locking it up.

He ran to an alleyway leaving two dumbfounded Muggles staring at him. He quickly Apparated home. When he got there he grabbed the mail on the floor in front of his door. Oh, a letter from Hogwarts!

He threw the letter into the air and, spinning around in a circle, chanted, "I got a letter from Hogwarts! I got a letter from Hogwarts!" He paused. "I got a letter from Hogwarts?" he asked in disbelief. Why would Dumbledore want to talk to him? He was a Death Eater now. He quickly ripped the manila envelope open.

It read…

Dear Snape,

AS YOU KNOW, I WROTE THIS LETTER AND BECAUSE I WROTE THIS LETTER, I AM SENDING IT TO YOU, AND THAT IS ALL.

P.S. Join the Order soon.

Sincerely,

Dumbledore

"That's it?" Snape asked himself before quickly throwing the letter into the fireplace. He wanted no connection with the Order. He had nothing to do with them. But why was something telling him there was?

He looked up at his clock. It was already 5:00 p.m. and he was running late on picking up his laundry from the laundry mat, and he still had to get the groceries before that. This was just not his day.

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A/N: This will be updated soon. Whoever reviews first gets to throw something large and heavy at my random audience member who keeps throwing things at my drummer! 


	2. Grocery Shopping

Chapter Two: Grocery Shopping

Snape ran out to his garage and jumped into his car. He jabbed the key into the ignition and twisted it, starting the car. He was still very edgy about using Muggle transportation. He backed up slowly and drove down the street. It wasn't that bad on a lovely spring morning. He opened the window and drove a little faster. After turning a few corners he came to the super market. He had to circle around because he couldn't find a parking place.

There was one right in a small corner. Snape drove up to it and began backing up, but just as he was about to get into it someone pulled up into it.

"THAT WAS MY SPACE, YOU JERK!" Snape shouted, losing his temper.

A big, bulky man looked out his window. Snape had to learn to watch his mouth. This was getting aggravating; he very quickly drove off, deciding to park across the street.

_Inside the super market_

Snape, muttering to himself, grabbed a cart and started going through the different aisles, trying to find everything he needed and fast. He picked up a shampoo bottle and stared, examining the label. "Makes greasy hair even greasier, but still clean. Hm, sounds interesting." With that, he dropped it into the cart.

"Snape?" someone asked quietly from behind him.

Snape turned and found himself looking right at Lucius Malfoy and his new son named Draco inside the cart he was pushing.

"Lucius, how nice to see you. Is this Draco? Wow, he looks just like you," he said, looking from father to son.

"Yep, that's him. He just said his first word today. You know what it was?" he asked, his eyes beaming.

"I don't know. What?" Snape asked, shrugging.

"Daddy!" Lucius squealed. "Isn't that wonderful?"

"I thought their first word had to be Voldemort?" Snape said, looking at his friend in a weird way.

"Oh, yeah. But that's so hard. So we stuck to 'daddy'."

Just then a grinning Draco leapt from where he sat and grabbed a hunk of Lucius' hair. "Daddy!" he shrieked, pulling on it as hard as he could.

"NO, DRACO, NOT DADDY'S HAIR!" Lucius screamed, trying desperately to free his hair from his son's strong grip.

Draco resumed his giggling. Lucius looked up at Snape frantically. "Help me! He's - OW, OW, OW - HURTING ME! DO SOMETHING!"

Snape grabbed his wand out and conjured up a lollypop. "This should work," he muttered to himself. Slowly he lifted the lollypop right in front of Draco. "Hey, big guy, how about a big, juicy lollypop, huh? Does that sound nice?"

Draco grabbed the lollypop in one hand and popped it into his mouth, still holding on to his father's hair with the other.

"Draco, let Daddy go now okay. OW, YOU'RE PULLING IT OUT BY THE ROOTS!" Lucius screamed in agony.

"DADDY, SUFFER!" Draco shrieked, slamming the sticky lollypop into Lucius' hair. "BAD, BAD DADDY! GIVE BACK LOLLY!" he screamed, tugging harder then ever at the red lollypop stuck to the chunk of golden hair.

"OW! YES! YES! DADDY'S SUFFERING!" Lucius struggled to turn to Snape. "I'll see you later," he muttered. All the way down the aisle he screamed, "OW! NOW THAT'S NOT NICE! DRACO, LET GO OF DADDY'S HAIR OR DADDY WILL GET MAD! OW! THAT'S IT YOUNG MAN, I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!"

Everyone in the aisle turned and looked at Snape. "Old college roommate," he said, laughing, then retreating from the aisle.

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A/N: Hello! I'm back! I told you I would be. Anyway, onward to thanking my reviewers.

Here comes the hockey puck: I'm very glad you like it. Yes, I feel bad for Snape, too. But if you think it's bad now just wait 'til later. It's a nightmare. And the little girl was really different than her original character. Anyway, you are the first to review so if you would just be so kind as to throw this extremely heavy anvil at my random mean guy I'd be very much obliged.

Wicked-n-Lazy: I'm glad to hear that. That's just what I was aiming for. YAYNESS! I so stole that word from Avie. (Sniggers) And don't worry, for being such a good little reviewer you get to throw something at him as well. So here you go. (Hands over another anvil)

Super Shayde: THANK YOU! I THINK I WILL WRITE MORE! And you did inspire me! You said I should write a story about Snape opening a daycare center. But I couldn't think of anything for that story line so instead I cooked up this. Glad you lurve it! And don't worry yourself about little old Avie. She'll be fine.

Malara: I'm sorry that you didn't get to review it. (grabs carrot) And stop hitting yourself with that. You'll give yourself brain damage. (throws carrot over shoulder, hitting a random member of the audience)

"OW! SERIOUS BRAIN DAMAGE!"

Whoops. Anyway. Yes, very random as my brain wanted it. You liked Dumbledore's letter! Yay! (blinks) You know I just noticed that didn't take long to come up with. Huh! How strange. Actually, I would get my own account but I'd lose these stories. Thanks for your review, glad you liked. (Drags Malara back onto stage.) Don't leave without your anvil. You've still got to hit the mean guy, please aim well. Thank you.

Vela Taylor: I'm sorry you don't know a lot about Harry Potter. But I shall make it clear to you! It will become clear if you continue reading it. Yes, he is mean, isn't he? Well, you really got to look at it from his point of view as well. Anyway, all and all it's nice of you to be here. And Warp working at WAL-MART? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO? For reading and reviewing, even though you didn't read HP, you get to throw something at the man.

SSC: Well, you're not really the first reviewer but…Ah, what the heck, go ahead. (hands over anvil)

Miss Piratess: Yes! I is back! (Huggles her back) Thank you! (Also hands her an anvil)

Kyer: A plot? (blinks) I don't think I have one. Anyway, you got some of it right. He couldn't find a normal job after he graduated, but he's not working undercover. Don't worry, you won't be lost for long. It all comes together soon. And what do you know, you also get to throw an anvil. Here you go. (hands over another anvil)

LilStripedTomato: Um…sorry if you got confused on who's writing the story. But that's all right. Anywho, my names Alu Sapphire, but you can call me Alu. Avie is just putting my story on her account because I don't have one. And my goodness, you're right. It is insane. If you think this one's bad, wait 'til you read this chapter. Toddle-oo to you, too. And you get to throw just for being such a nice person and reviewing. (hands over _another_ anvil)

Sors: No! Don't butcher me! I updated, I updated! And here's your anvil.

A/N: Please review, and if you do, please don't curse!


	3. The Laundry Mat and Taping Memoirs

A/N: Hello I'm back! Again!

"YEAH! Well what's it to us?"

Beats me! (looks at him very closely and remembers he's the mean random guy) Hey, aren't you supposed to be in the hospital for severe brain damage?

"Nooooooooo!"

Well, it sure seems like it…Anyway, I updated, so be happy. (Everyone's quiet) I SAID BE HAPPY! (a loud uproar of whistles, claps, and laughter) That's better. Come on I know you missed me this time.

"Oh just skip to the chapter, why don't ya?"

HEY! I WILL WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. Okay, everyone, here's my latest chappie!

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Chapter Three: The Laundry Mat and Taped Memoirs

Snape ran to the protection of the hardware department. He sighed, happy about not being the one everyone watches. He sighed and picked up a yellow wrench. He liked yellow. It reminded him of the sunflowers. My, he loved sunflowers.

"Snapesssssssssssssss?" came a hissing voice from behind him.

He dropped the wrench. Oh, no. Someone knew his name. That was never good. Wait, he knew that voice. "Lord Voldemort?" he asked, turning then bowing in a rather fast manner.

"Yessssssssssssssssssss!" he hissed. "I came to see yousssssssss." He stopped and broke into a coughing fit. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF J.K.ROWLING, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" he shouted, then calmed down and asked, "Do you know where I can find some tape?"

"Um, yes, but why do you need tape?"

"I'm taping my written memoirs together."

"You have memoirs? And why are you taping them? I mean, why not just staple it?"

"Snape, I have just had an idea. I will staple my memoir instead of tape it!"

"What a wonderful idea, my lord."

"You know what? On second thought, I think I'll stick to taping," he said, laughing maniacally. And with that, he Disapparated.

"Hey, you're not supposed to Disapparate in front of Muggles!"

Voldemort came back. "I do a lot of things in front of Muggles that I'm not supposed to do." And with that, he laughed maniacally again and then Disapparated

"Old college professor," he said and with that ran to the fruit stand. What else could go wrong, anyway? He took out his yellow stress ball and squeezed it as hard as possible. Just then something stinky ran by. He squeezed the ball harder and turned… It was Peter Pettigrew and he was…kissing every watermelon in the aisle.

Snape ran from the store, into his car, and drove as fast as possible to the laundry mat.

After a while of throwing his clothes from one machine to the other, Snape decided to sit down in one of the many chairs. It's not like anyone else he knew would be there, right? He was **DEAD WRONG**! He smelled something! It was stinky. But worst of all…it was _stinky_! He turned to see.

Peter Pettigrew was sitting in the chair next to him, bobbing his head up and down to the tone of the music blaring out of the headphones pressed firmly against his tiny head. He inched over to another chair. How the heck had Peter beaten him there? He was still in the store slobbering over watermelons when Snape left. But the thing that scared him most of all was that Peter was doing laundry, and all these years he thought Peter had never washed his clothes. Well, maybe he could ask Peter for some answers. He slowly tapped Peter's shoulder.

"Um, Peter?" Snape asked.

Peter turned his head to face Snape, singing, "BUDA, BUDA, BUPP, BUPP! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE SO NOW I'M GONNA RUIN YOURS! HEAR THE SOUNDS AS I BEAT MY PILLOW TO DEATH? BUDA, BUDA, BUPP, BUPP! IT NEVER HAD A CHANCE!"

Well actually, it wasn't really singing. It was more of yelling. Anyway! It was official; Peter was just as tone deaf as Bellatrix was. Snape got up and ran to the very last chair on the other side of the room. He took out his stress ball and squeezed. But there was something wrong. It was squishy. Too squishy. He looked down, only to find that his poor stress ball was lying lamely in his palm. It didn't even look like a ball anymore.

He sighed and looked over at Peter. **BAD IDEA**! Peter had just opened the door to one of the washing machines. He quickly transformed into a rat and jumped right in. Unfortunately this all happened in slow motion for Snape. Snape got up as the door of the machine slammed shut. He stood next to it, looking through the small glass circle in shock.

Had he died? But Snape's question was answered only right after he was done thinking it. Peter jumped out of the machine, looking very soaked. As a rat. Just when Snape thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Peter's fur puffed up and transformed into a GIANT FURBALL! OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Snape fell to the ground in a dead faint.

A/N: AND LET'S ALL GIVE A BIG HAND FOR ARWEN, MY SIS, FOR GIVING ME THE IDEA OF PETER JUMPING INTO THE WASHING MACHINE! If she's here. (long silence) I don't know if she is because I really don't care because this doesn't even exist. (O-O-scanning) I guess not. I need a lawyer…and a psychiatrist...and a purpose in life. (-;) I'm leaving.

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And my review responses:

**Here comes the hockey puck: **YAYNESS! YOU CAME BACK! I THOUGHT I'D LOST EVERYONE! (Looks over audience) Yes, I do think you hit him. Lollies are evil, especially when they're sticky. But I must warn you not to feel bad for _anyone! _They're all idiots! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Malara: **It is never too late to worry about your mind. Now hold still while I bandage you up! Eww! You got bark in your hair! Yes, go randomness! Dumbledore? Letters? OH, YEAH! Naw, he's just as much an idiot as everyone else. NO, DON'T GO DRACO ON ME! Yes scissors! Oh, Avie's gonna be mad at you for giving me ideas! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT THE MEAN RANDOM GUY! Yes, liking squealing is bad for your health! Oh, those bad parking spaces. I'm sorry you've been there! Well here's your update.

**Super Shayde: **Heck, it's okay! You don't have to be my first reviewer! But I must say Here comes the hockey puck is on a roll! She's reviewed first twice! Ah, you fell asleep, you poor thing. I know what that's like. NO, YOU MUST STILL HATE DRACO! DO NOT HA HA DRACO! RESIST WOMAN! RESIST! Ah what the heck go ahead, and ha ha Snape too. COOL! I MADE YOU LIKE SOMEBODY YOU HATE! And as for HP and the Something Something Something, I almost got out a piece of paper and wrote my will! Moofwafwafwafwafwa! YOU CALLED ME ALU! YAYNESS! Usually people call me Avie's little sister. You write that story, go you! Ah, well better get off. Avie's going to commit suicide. So, bye.

**Miss Piratess: **I'm glade you enjoyed Draco, and don't worry, he'll be back soon! You are supposed to throw it at the random man! Anyway, bye, bye!

**BaYerrulz: **THEN I SHALL GIVE YOU SOME MORE!

**LilStripedTomato: **Huzzah! An update! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, WOMAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! (Blushes) Thanks for saying I have good work. Don't die just yet, there's still more to come! Happy Trails to you as well!

**Sors:** YAY! YOU ARE APPEASED! This chapter is short but the next will be longer. I promise! Just keep tapping those fingers.

**Wicked-n-lazy:** Yeah! You have returned! You think that part is bad? Wait till you hear this one! No thank you about the anvil! Really! He's been yelling at me since Sirius Black's Day Care Center! Thanks, again.

**Visualpurple:** It's okay because you reviewed anyway you get an anvil also! And I'm telling you, I'm glad those were your favorite quotes, because those were the one's that gave me the most trouble coming up with. Anyway, aim good. My audience members can be mean. Bye, bye!


	4. I Just Wanna Die!

A/N: Hey, has anyone seen Avie? Oh well, while I'm looking for her I'll do reviewer responses.

Sors: Well if you look at it from the side I guess so. Oh well. You're still appeased. So I'm still happy.

Super Shayde: Oh, man, girl you think this is the wierdest chapter. Then wait till you see the one after this. It's just as bad. I'm glad you did. It's nice to hear that. Well actually, blushes you just made me feel independent. You know that people are addressing me, and not through Avie, and don't worry she didn't die. Speaking of Avie, were the heck is she? YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY! INSPIRATION! Oh Avie's not gonna like you anymore, you gave me ideas. Actually you'd be surprised. This is the first time it's ever happened. And no, she was gonna commit suicide because my other siblings were playing the Teletubbies song over and over again just to annoy her. So…WHOOT FOR SIBLINGS! YOU MADE ME MAKE YOU FINISH IT! (Stops and looks over sentence.) Even though there's gonna be a sequel. She isn't? Oh well. Yay for Sarah McLachlan! Toodles!

Here comes the hockey puck: Peter? What's wrong with doing that to him? I mean he really deserves it, the way he betrayed everyone. (Slaps Peter on the head for smelling her cheese) No not for you! Any way you think that's bad? Just wait till the next chapter. MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I AM EVIL! (Thunder crashes) That's better. Darn that homework. I don't blame you for hating it. Why, I can hardly finish my chapters on time from all my homework! Bye! (Walks away muttering on how to get back at homework for stealing her reviewers)

Miss Piratess: JUST DON'T HURT YOURSELF! Like the following, fall down a flight of stairs laughing! Suffocate from laughing! Talk to yourself about the dangers in laughing! Or worst of all, squirt a liquid sort of substance from your nose! Oh the horror! (Runs off crying)

BaYerrulz: Aw, no you don't! Yes, I'm afraid he certainly did need it.

LilStripedTomato: Yes, sunflowers, and please don't ask where I got it from! It had you laughing? Really? Well I don't really like this chapter much, but the next is better. (Looks at Lil's roommate) It's dangerous to do things around _normal _people! The madness never ends. Until chapter five or six…eleven! I think I'll go for eleven…twelve tops… Anyway! But staple gun I do like. HAH AN IDEA! YAY, SO MANY IN ONE DAY! Will do. And I'm sorry about your laundry mat.  We don't go to one! Bye and watch out for those roommates…I know I will. (Holds up staple gun as the audience runs away.)

Wicked-n-lazy: Yes weird! But that's the point of the story. I reached my goal. Yay! Maybe I should make this the last chapter. Yes, and thank goodness Snape was at a reasonable length away.

Visualpurple: I have. Well one day earlier, but still. You hit him! YAYNESS!

Anonymous: Not the torture, NOT THE TORTURE! I updated! And I feel bad for anybody whobuys those watermelons, too.

A/N: I have but one thing to say. HAS ANYONE SEEN AVIE? HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE CHAPTER UP WITHOUT HER?

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Chapter Four: I Just Wanna Die!

Snape sat inside his big chair in front of the fireplace sipping a glass of warm tea. He was having a nice time all by himself, with no one else to bother him. Especially after the incident with Peter.

He thought of comfort too soon, for a loud crack came from his left. There stood Crabbe, smiling stupidly, one eye looking up and the other looking down. "HELLO!" he shouted.

Then there was another loud crack to his right and Goyle appeared, also smiling stupidly, with one eye looking to the right and the other to the left. "HELLO!" echoed.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Snape yelled at the top of his lungs.

"GOODBYE!" Crabbe shouted and Disapparated.

"GOODBYE!" Goyle also shouted and also Disapparated.

Snape ran to his bedroom and tiredly crawled into bed. He had had a long day. After ten minutes he had managed to tangle himself up in his blankets as he always did. After five more minutes he was asleep, dreaming that he was prancing through a field of sunflowers and they were alive, smiling right back at him.

Then from out of nowhere, a dark shadow crept into the room. It stepped next to Snape's bed. Snape heard the floorboards creak and pulled his head up. He saw two glowing red eyes.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Snape yelled and tried to get out of his tangled bed sheets. He only succeeded in tangling himself up more and falling from the bed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed the intruder.

Wait a minute. Snape knew that voice. "Lord Voldemort?" he asked, finding his way out of the blankets.

"Yes, you twit! How'd you think it was? Santa?" Voldemort said, resting his hands on his hips.

"Well, actually no…what are you doing in my house?" Snape asked standing up and brushing himself off.

"Well I came to tell you…" He trailed off in a low voice, motioning for Snape to come, for he was going to whisper it. Snape leaned his ear closer to his mouth. "OF ALL THE PEOPLE I KILLED TODAY! WILL YOU LISTEN? OH PLEASSEEEE SAY YOU'LL LISTEN?" he shouted in a cheerful voice, causing Snape to fall over from the sudden outburst of words.

"Okay! Okay! I'll listen. As long as you don't shout," Snape said, rubbing his hurt ear and wondering it was still working.

"Good!" Voldemort squeaked and pulled out a list and a pair of spectacles. He cleared his throat and began.

"I killed the milkman, two mailmen, three old women across the street, four baby sitters, blew up five trolleys, six annoying teens, seven lawyers, eight grooms, a cat nine times because it had so many lives, ten gang members, eleven ballet dancers, twelve monkeys, and many, many more," he concluded.

"That's it? That's the only reason you woke me up? For some stupid list of stupid things you did today?" Snape asked through clenched teeth.

Voldemort sniffed. "I just thought you'd want to hear." Then he straightened up. "Fine. If you don't want to hear then I'll just leave," he said and disappeared with a puff of smoke.

Snape sighed happily and crawled back into bed. And went to sleep.

The next morning, Snape scratched his head happily because TODAY WAS A DAY OFF! YAYNESS! He did a little happy dance around the room. He stopped mid-jump when the phone rang. He grabbed the phone.

"Hello, this is Severus Snape speaking. How can I help you?" Snape asked cheerfully.

"HELLO!" came Crabbe's voice from the other side of the line.

"Crabbe! Go tell someone that cares!" Snape yelled into the bottom peace of the phone. He had to get Caller ID. He stopped. "How'd you get my phone number?" he asked suspiciously.

"DUHHHHHHH!" Crabbe answered, laughing stupidly.

Snape threw the phone back down on the receiver. The phone rang again. Snape picked it up questioningly. "Hello?"

"HELLO!" Goyle's voice came from the other side.

"Stop calling this number!" Snape said, throwing the phone down again. "HOW THE HECK DID THOSE TWO GRADUATE!" he bellowed at no one in particular.

The phone rang again. Snape picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hello Snivelly," came Voldemort's happy voice. "There's going to be a meeting in two hours. Bye." The phone beeped. Snape stared at it blankly.

It rang again. Snape answered. "Hello?"

"HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE!" said a shrieking person from the other end. It was Bellatrix, the Tone Deaf! "WHERE THE DEER AND THE-"

"BELLATRIX! BELLATRIX, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" Snape asked, knowing that he was now officially deaf.

"WHAT? I'M TRYING TO SING HERE!"

"Um, right. _Singing_. Anyway. Listen Bella, this is Snape, not British Idol for stupid people. Okay? So, 'bye!" He put the phone down and sighed as he turned it off. Why him?

Two hours later, at the meeting 

Snape leaned over close to Crabbe from where he sat. "Hey, Crabbe how'd you get my phone number?" he asked slowly.

"DUHHHHAH!" he answered and lifted the phone book.

Snape snapped his fingers and sat back in his seat. "I thought I told those darn Muggles to leave me unlisted." Next to him, Goyle was poking the fire with his finger and NOT GETTING HURT. "Why me?" Snape asked himself.

Just then the door flew open and the candles went out, causing the room to go dark. Then something came in.

It was Voldemort of course.

He sat down and everyone stared at him. "Those darn lights." He clapped his hands and the candles flickered into life again.

"Can we get this meeting started now?" Lucius asked, looking rather bored.

"Yes, yes the meeting. Now we need to think on how we're going to do this," Voldemort said, shifting his eyes to every person in the room.

"OH! OH! I KNOW! I KNOW! PICK ME! PICK ME!" Crabbed shouted.

Voldemort rubbed his temples. "Yes, what is it Crabbe?"

He sat there looking stupid (his tongue hanging out, eyes unfocused, everything) for a few minutes then said, "HELLO!"

Everyone looked at Voldemort. Voldemort's eyes were bigger then dinner plates.

_Yes! Maybe they'll be fired!_ Snape thought happily.

"I like that idea! That is a good idea! We are staying with that!" Voldemort cried happily.

"But I don't understand what it means," Bellatrix protested.

"Then go jump off the cliff in my backyard," Voldemort said sarcastically.

Her seat empted in a flash of light and they heard a faint scream. There was a long silence.

"Wow, I didn't think she'd do it." Voldemort said, grinning.

"Well, she did," Narcissa said, struggling with Draco as he struggled to climb on top of her head. "No sweetie. OW! OW! HEY! You better stop that or I'll tell Daddy!"

Lucius turned white. "Don't get me involved," he said, inching away.

"Lucius, I need to borrow your tape," Rodolphus said, leaning close to him.

"OH! SO NOW YOU WANT MY TAPE, HUH?"

"NARCISSA, HUSH THAT KID UP! I HAVE A TERIBLE HEADACHE!" Bellatrix shouted.

"WELL, DON'T BLAME ME! I'M NOT THE ONE THAT WAS SMART ENOUGH TO THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF!"

"OH, SO IT'S WAR NOW, IS IT?"

"BADA BADA BUPP BUPP!"

"PETER, IF YOU DON'T STOP SINGING YOU'RE REALLY GONNA PAY!" Rodolphus screamed.

"OH, I'M SO SCARED!"

"THAT'S IT! I WARNED YOU, BUDDY!"

"HELLO!"

"HELLO!"

"OH, GO BACK TO SCHOOL, WHY DON'T YA! AND DON'T COME BACK 'TIL YOU GRADUATE!"

"GET VOLDIE!"

"GET VOLDIE!"

"NO ONE CALLS ME VOLDIE AND LIVES!"

"EVERYONE SUFFER!" Draco shouted and giggled.

Snape looked at all the chaos going on around him. "I JUST WANNA DIE!" he wailed. Everyone turned and drew their wands, pointing them at him. "I don't mean now," he added.

He swallowed hard as they approached him…

* * *

A/N: HA! I HAVE MADE IT HERE! FINALLY! It's about time, too. I mean it took long enough. 

"Leave me alone!" shouted Avie, as she dragged Remus across the set.

"CRIKEY, THERE SHE GOES!" shouted Steve Irwin (the Croc Hunter), as he, a man with a tranquilizing gun, another man with a net, and the camera man, ran past after Avie.

"HEY! GET OFF MY SET!" cried the author. Then she noticed Avie has Remus "AND GIVE ME BACK REMUS!"


	5. I'm Writing a Memoir!

Chapter 5: I'm Writing a Memoir!

_Snape's home_

Snape got out of bed, rubbing his sore head. "Oh, my goodness. What happened?" Then the events of last night came back to him. He'd told them that he didn't want to die, and then they started fighting again. But how'd he- Oh, yeah. Peter had thrown a wooden chair at Rodolphus, who'd ducked, and instead it hit Snape in the back of the head.

As he chuckled sourly something beeped behind him. Snape turned in alarm, but noticed it was just his fax-machine. Snape walked over to it and raised an eyebrow. The pages that were coming out were blank. He grabbed the next one to come out. I was blank.

Nothing. Absolutely empty! About one hundred blank ones had already come out. Then the machine wheezed, coughed up smoke, and stopped. The phone rang just at that second. He really needed caller ID.

He pushed the small blue button. "Hello?"

"HELLO SNIVELLY! Did you get my fax?" Voldemort asked excitedly from the other line.

"Yeah, I got it." Snape scanned the paper. "But it's blank."

"Oh, of course it is, silly." He snorted. "It's made of invisible ink," he laughed. "Duhhh."

"Oh invisible in-INVISIBLE INK! HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET INVISIBLE INK IN A FAX-MACHINE?" Snape asked, wondering what type of joke this was supposed to be.

"It's my memoirs, stupid," Voldemort sighed.

"Why are you writing your memoir in _invisible ink?_" Snape asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Because I want to," Voldemort said. "Next week, same time, same place, another meeting, and hopefully it won't be so bad next time. Oh, and the invisible ink is pink. Bye, Snivelly." The phone beeped.

"On second thought I think I'll just go to work today," Snape said to himself. He slipped on his coat, ran to an alley and Apparated to his store.

_

* * *

In the souvenir store_

Snape sighed, looking at the family. "How can I help you?" Snape asked. He really wasn't having one of his best days.

"Hello! We were wondering how do you get to Buckingham Palace?" they asked, holding out a map.

_The palace! Yes! That was a perfect place to go at a time like this! He'd go complain to the not-so-talkative guards. _"I'm sorry. I really wish I could, but I've only lived here a couple of years- er, I mean months. You see, I'm not really a citizen myself. So I have no choice but to leave you, so bye," he said, forcing the protesting family from the store.

He ran to an alley and Apparated. He opened his eyes, seeing the alley right next to the castle. He ran to a guard as he heard the thunder. Rain began pouring down.

"Listen, man. I've got to talk to you. Even though you don't listen, I'll tell you. I'm lonely. I haven't seen my mother in years…" He wailed on and on, complaining about his horrible little childhood. Little did he know that from the horrible thunderstorm that was going on, the man in front of him couldn't hear a thing he was saying.

"Um, sir? I can't hear you from the storm," the guard said, feeling bad about not hearing him. It wasn't his fault he was deaf in one ear.

Unfortunately, Snape's back was turned. The man sighed. Why did they always come and complain to him? What did he look like, a psychiatrist?

_

* * *

Two hours later, after the rain stopped _

"Um, EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO?" The soldier shouted. "YOU KNOW, LIKE AWAY FROM HERE!"

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot the meeting!" Snape cried and sprinted down the street.

About two blocks down the road, Snape got tired. Then he noticed something…he had been running. "Oh, of all the…" he muttered and ran into an alley, Apparating right in Voldemort's living room. He had to admit, it did look cozy; it must have been the yellow streamers hanging all over the place.

Just then, Lucius ran over, a clipboard in hand and confetti everywhere else. "Oh, Severus! Thank goodness you came! We only have two hours left to get the boss' birthday party set up, and the clowns are too sick to come. Maybe we went a little overboard on the threatening part."

Snape rolled his eyes. "Nah, ya think?" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Sorry, no time for that! Peter, how are those puppets coming along?"

"So far, so good!"

"And Bella, how about that pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey game?"

"All clear over here! Now all I need is the donkey!"

"Sweetie, are you sure you can handle Twister? Because if you can't, that's fine. I can do it."

"It's all right. Draco finally found his teddy bear, so that should distract him for a while."

"TEDDY SUFFER!" Draco shouted and ripped off one of the arms, then giggled hysterically.

Snape cringed in fear. "So you still need someone to find a pair of clowns?" he asked.

"Yup!"

"Then I'll do it. I need to get as far away from here as possi-I mean what's a birthday party without clowns?" Snape dashed from the house.

"You do that!" Lucius called after him absentmindedly. "Hey Rodolphus, don't forget that piñata - and goodness gracious! WHO MADE THE CAKE!"

Snape went to his house and asked all his neighbors. He was shocked to discover that some became quite upset when he said they were just the people he needed. So after that didn't work he looked in the phone book, and that's when he saw the two people he'd been looking for all along. He went to both their houses, promptly took them by the ear and dragged them to the party.

He threw them both on the ground in front of Lucius and shouted, "There's your clowns, you great prune!"

"But Snape… That's Crabbe and Goyle. AND I AM NOT A PRUNE!"

"So? They're the only people stupid enough to take the job."

Just then Crabbe took a pie out of nowhere and threw it at Goyle's face. "DUHHHHH AHAHAHA!" he laughed as it slid off.

"They'll do," Lucius said.

"HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!" a random death eater shouted from one side of the room.

"QUICK EVERYONE, HIDE!" Just then a crowd zipped passed Snape, carrying him along with them.

The door opened to reveal…DUN DUN DUN! THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX!

"SURPRISE!" all the death eaters shouted. Then noticed who they were. "Ahhhhhhhhh!" they shouted.

"What do you want?" Lucius asked calmly.

"To destroy you!" Sirius Black shouted.

"Well you picked a bad time. This is Lord Voldemort's birthday party!" Snape said.

"Oh, a birthday party? Can we come?"

"Sure!" Lucius said. "Today is supposed to be a happy day, so quick, come hide."

"HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!" shouted the same random death eater.

"Quick, everyone! Hide!"

Slowly, the door opened to reveal…Voldie! "AHHHHH!" everyone screamed. Then they remembered he was the birthday boy! "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" they shouted.

* * *

A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (then notices it's the audience) Hello! I left you at a cliffy! Yay for cliffies! Gives me more time to think. Details of the party will be put in the next chapter. So there you have it. Until next Wednesday…AWAY! I'M OFF TO SEE AS MUCH OF THE WORLD AS I CAN! O-o Of course that is until next time. Hehe! (Drags a whimpering Avie onto stage and is holding a big tranquillizing gun.) Huh! There now you owe me!

ONTO REVIEWER RESPONSES! SALLY FORTH INTO THE UNKNOWN! CHARGE!

Super Shayde: Sniffs You really think so? And those are your favorite lines? Wow, I thought those were the least funny ones. Thanks for using Bella! I am so honored! And as for your ideas, I have been squashed against the windshield of inspiration! Well I did number nine. takes cookie Okay, you get Remus for a day. But that's all. You give him back in the next review. Oh yeah and I'm gonna put up another one-shot about the marauders so please read that after a while.

BaYerrulz: ;) Was it really that bad? Oh well. Just don't die.

Miss Piratess: OO! You…You what? Oh, well. Nothing I can do about that. Um, by the way, did the person like it? I'm kinda glad you did. It was a sweet thing to do. Toodaloo!

Here comes the hockey puck: I'm still wondering where the answer to that question is. (starts looking through stacks of paper) I'll find it eventually. Hope you get an A on that homework. Yes, it's so EVIL! (Shoots evil homework with a staple gun) Take that! Oh yeah, bye!

wicked-n-lazy: You liked that part? Hm, maybe I should write more of that. Oh, and this isn't the last chappie. I was just playing. It should go up to twelve.

Sors: Your not going to? -! I'm free! (Starts hoppng around and falls right off stage.) WOOT!

LilStripedTomato: Oh, yes, very endless. The parts with stupid Crabbe and Goyle, and evil Draco, those were my original ideas. You gave me another idea! WILL YOU GUYS STOP GIVING ME IDEAS! He will? Then update, woman! YAY! (Looks at staple gun) HEY, DAD I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT CHAIR NOW! You're not a loon! Their mean! Do you like Avie? I don't! She rambles! Well, I guess I like her a lot if you take that part out. TA-TA!


	6. The Order and Party Details!

Chapter 6: The Order and Party Details!

"You did this for me? And look at that, you guys put a rabbit on the cake! How nice. And a piñata, and Twister, and Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and puppets, and confetti! Aw! I love you guys! Come on, group hug!" The Death Eaters and members of the Order joined in.

Voldie burst into tears. "YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

After they finished, they decided to let Voldie decide. "Well let's play…PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!" Voldie shouted.

"YAY FOR VOLDIE!" everyone else shouted.

"Yay for the dead beavers!" shouted a random Death Eater.

The author has used him many times. He deserves a name. SHE SHALL NAME HIM BOB!

"I have no idea where the heck that came from, but lets just scream it anyway!" Dumbledore shouted.

"YAY FOR THE DEAD BEAVERS!" everyone shouted.

"How about we just skip to the presents?" Bob shouted.

"OR WE COULD DO THAT, TOO!" Lucius shouted.

Voldie reached for a really badly wrapped package. He shook it eagerly. "Who's this from?"

"Now don't be shy, tell him," Narcissa cooed as she gently pushed her son over to where Voldie stood.

"Now what could be in here?" Voldie asked eagerly. He promptly threw the wrapping paper off and pulled out the arm and eye of the once cute and cuddly teddy bear.

"Teddy suffered!" Draco whispered, popping his finger into his mouth.

"Yes he did!" Voldie exclaimed and hugged him. "HE'S SO TORTUROUS AT HIS AGE!" he squealed.

"Oh, that's nothing. You should see what he does to the prisoners!" Narcissa laughed.

He reached for one of the smallest packages there. "Who sent this?" Voldie asked, outraged at its size.

Lucius stepped up. "I did, sir. BUT FIRST BEFORE YOU KILL ME, LOOK AT WHAT IT IS, PLEASE!" he pleaded.

Voldie opened it, frowning, but then he started grinning so hard it made everyone else's cheeks hurt just as much as his. He softly pushed the button as it lit up. "A miniature philosopher's stone!" he squeaked. "LUCIUS, HOW DID YOU KNOW!"

"Turn it over," Lucius said shyly.

"Made in China!" He burst into tears as he choked these words out.

"Yup!" Lucius said, hugging Narcissa. "We thought you'd like it."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" everyone said, some hugging each other.

Then after many more presents, including a block of cheese, a chewed up dog toy, miniature broomsticks, and some socks, it came to Snape's present, but he had none! HE WAS DOOMED!

"Snape, where's your present?" Voldie asked, just about as happy as a five-year-old could be at its first birthday party.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…." He trailed off. Then he spotted Crabbe and Goyle! YES, THE CLOWN IDEA! "Why they're right here!" He threw them down in front of them all.

"Crabbe and Goyle?" Voldie asked. "But I got them last year!"

"No, they're clowns, and will be performing after all the games are finished," Snape said.

There was a long silence. "Well, if that's really what you got me-"

"It is!" Snape confirmed.

"I guess it's the thought that counts." He looked at the Order members. He bent down next to Crabbe and Goyle's ears and whispered, "On't-bay e-bay oopid-stay."

"DUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they chorused, looking at each other. They probably didn't even see each other, considering how unfocused and separated their eyes were.

"Is that all the presents?" Everyone nodded. "THEN LET THE PARTY BEGIN!" Dumbledore shouted, crossing his eyes out of excitement.

Just then, Sirius walked over to Snape, tripping over himself with laughter. "YOU KNOW IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA ALL BECOME BEST FRIENDS AND THEN TOMMOROW, WE'LL BE KILLING EACH OTHER AGAIN!" he shouted over the over blaring music, conducted by Peter.

Snape walked away slowly, seeing all the women gathered around Draco and cooing at him. He turned right. Voldie was talking to Dumbledore about homemade socks. He turned left. The marauders (well three of them) were talking to Lucius, Rodolphus, Arthur, and they were trying to get him involved.

"I really want to just die!" Snape muttered to himself.

Sirius popped up in front of him. "That could be arranged," he said mockingly.

"THAT'S IT!" Snape grabbed a cowering Sirius by his collar. "I HAD TO PUT UP WITH YOU AT SCHOOL AND I'M NOT GOING TO ANYMORE!" he bellowed.

"LOOK, SOMETHING YELLOW!" Sirius said, pointing behind him.

"Where?" Snape cried, spinning around and dropping his prey. Then he noticed what he had done. "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he roared, chasing after the black robes that had just slipped around the corner.

* * *

A/N: (:P) I MADE ANOTHER CLIFFY! HAH! NOW YOU ALL MUST WAIT!

"YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

"NO YOU ARE!"

A/N: ; Oh no, there they go again. Bella, stop bribing your husband to jump off a cliff! Snape, stop beating up Sirius! Crabbe and Goyle, get out of my house! Peter, stop turning yourself into the giant FURBALL OF DOOM! Dumbledore stop talking to Voldie about socks! AND WILL SOMEONE GIVE DRACO HIS TEDDY! xx OH NO I'M TALKING TO MY MUSES!

BaYer04rulz: Hah! If you read this fanfic you'll probably never get to rest in peace. Well think about it, if you were in his situation I'm sure you'd be running all over the place, too. You like that idea? Wow, I thought I'd lose all my reviewers from that part. Just because of how stupid it was. Thanks for reviewing!

Miss Piratess: They did? I approve. Oh, about the invisible ink cartridge…I never thought of that! Drat. Foiled again. I just wanted to say thanks for reading all the stories I've put up here. It's very nice of you. Thanks again.

Super Shayde: Well you see I have another one, but Avie won't put it up. Yet! I'm still following her and bugging her about it until she will. Lyk…totally dude. I'll be aweshumness every time. If you like. Toodles.

wicked-n-lazy: Yup! Well I hope to, anyway. If I go to long, it might get on some people's nerves. Yay! It's not every story you see Voldemort having a birthday party. Thought I'd scare you all there. I still don't know how they do it.

Empress T'Pau: Sorry, I don't speak French. But it would be nice to be able to. Isn't the Internet amazing? I'm in my room talking to people that could be anywhere in the world doing something. It was nice of you to review and thank you for putting this on me favorites list. Au revoir! (Sorry, one of the only things I know in French.)

LilStripedTomato: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! YOU UPDATED! I'm real sorry about you being sick and all. Hope you get better soon. Yes, hah! I made a cliffy and you all have to wait to find out what happens. Well, you'll find out. I never thought of that. That would be a good idea. I didn't specify that. Sorry. But why do you think Lucius freaked out when he saw it? Whoops! (turns to Lil's collection of teddy bears.) I'm sorry if I insulted you. Awwwwwww! Do you really have to go? Oh well. Until next time, then. AWAY!


	7. Can He Substitute?

Chapter 7: Can He Substitute? 

Snape chased after him in a frenzy, bumping into Bob, Voldie, James Potter, Dumbledore and many others. "SIRIUS BLACK! I'm gonna kill you!" Snape then ran around the corner and slipped right over Draco and Harry who were poking each other as hard as they could.

"SNAPEY SUFFER!" Draco shrieked at the dazed grownup, taking a nearby _lit_ candle and proceeding to whack Snape on the top of the head.

Unfortunately, as we all know, Snape's hair is incredibly greasy. This is a bad thing, considering grease and fire are a bad, deadly combination. Draco giggled.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Snape shouted, jumping to his feet. "SOMEONE PUT ME OUT!"

"But there's a lot of us, isn't there? That's dangerous, as you would get really wet," Bellatrix said, picking up the hysterical baby. Everyone else stared.

"WHO CARES!" Snape shouted, running around in a circle. "EXTINGUISH MEEEEEEEE!"

"Okey-dokey, Snapy-o!" Voldemort said, smiling.

Everyone then proceeded to run around like crazy people (which they are) with buckets of water, pouring them all over each other.

"THROW IT ON ME YOU IDIOTS!" Snape shouted.

"Alrighty daddy-o!" Sirius said from behind Snape, dunking a bucket of water on top of him, then covering his head with it.

"I so want to kill you right now," Snape said through clenched teeth. "In fact, I think I will," he said, beaming and pulling out his wand.

"No, no, no, Snapey! Today is a happy day!" Voldemort said cheerfully.

"And?" Snape asked expectantly

"And that means no killing anyone," he said, jamming the wand back into Snape's pocket.

"That's right, Snapey!" Sirius said as Voldemort turned away. "No killing anyone." He then grabbed Snape's cheeks and pushed them together.

"Get away from my face," Snape said slowly, "or I will be forced to hurt you."

"You're not allowed," Sirius said in a taunting voice.

"I'm not allowed to kill you, but I can still hurt you. You see, Lord Voldemort said everyone's supposed to be happy. Hurting you will make me a _very _happy person," Snape said coldly.

Sirius backed away, letting go of his face. "Why?" Sirius asked.

"Because you'd be in pain, my dear friend."

"We're friends? COOL!"

"WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! WE NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE!" Snape shouted and stalked off.

"Oh, well." Sirius shrugged and pulled out a party hat.

Snape walked towards the party table. Shouting at idiots always made him thirsty. He was almost there when the music started.

"EVERYBODY MAMBO!" some random person (that sounded a lot like Sirius) shouted.

A long line of people came by Sirius in the lead.

"THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAMBO!" Snape shouted, but nobody heard anyway. After what seemed like forever, the last person in line turned to Snape and threw him into the line.

Remus Lupin stood dancing in front of him. "COME ON SNAPE! GET IN LINE! WE'RE MAMBOING!"

" I'M ALREADY IN LINE! AND THIS ISN'T HOW YOU MAMBO!" Snape shouted. "AND THIS IS A VIOLATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS!"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE VIOLATING THE RIGHTS OF HUMANS HAVING FUN!" Sirius said from behind him.

"WHY?" Snape asked himself and broke down into hysterical sobs.

"Why what?"

"WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS YOU END UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME?" Snape choked out.

"Oh." Sirius thought about this. "I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm the person you wouldn't want to be here and, well, here I am."

"I WANNA GO HOME!" Snape sobbed.

"It's okay," Sirius said soothingly.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Snape sniffed. "NOBODY LOVES ME!"

"Well… No, you're right. No one does."

Snape sniffed and looked at him. Sirius smiled stupidly. "MY LIFE'S A MESS!" he shouted.

"Why?"

"You always ruin it!"

"No I don't. Remember the time when you…no, wait. I messed that up." Snape looked at him expectantly. "Or the time when you…no, I messed that up too. Hah." He laughed. "I guess I did mess your life up."

Snape cried. And the others 'mamboed'.

* * *

A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FEAR ME AND MY GROUP OF RANDOM MAMBOERS! Even though it's not really how you mambo. The audience started running around in circles, knocking into each other.

"MY LEG!"

"_Okay_." The author ducked as a chair flew past her head. "OKAY! YOU CAN STOP NOW!" she shouted.

On to my reviewers!

LilStripedTomato: Gee, thanks! Glad you liked it. I'm currently reading Edgar Allan Poe, so I'm depressed, and that's why this chapter isn't as funny as usual. Yes, Snape's gift was creepy. Then again, so is the story. And unfortunately I don't think J.K would be very happy with me if I ended the war with socks, though it would be quite fun. Actually I think J.K. would absolutely hate me if she found out what I was up to. Anyway - MUFWAFWAFWA to you! I left another cliffy! (Jumps around while Bella throws herself off the cliff.) NO, A CLIFFY ABOUT THE STORY, YOU IMBECILE! (Sees everyone staring) YAY! (Squeeglomps her!) You feel better! Sorry about your dog, and I get a box of cookies? Oh you shouldn't have! Anyway, see you and no prob about reviewing the story! I enjoyed it!

BaYer04rulz: Yes, actually that is the point. (Gives a cookie from box) Oh, I love that part, too.

Wicked-n-lazy: Yes, evil cliffies! You shall perish before them! OH, CAKE! (random group of people that aren't supposed to be there in the first place start singing "Happy Birthday") IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! THANKS! Um, just one question, not to be rude or anything, but who's Jason Flemyng?

Miss Piratess: (Also slaps head) I have no idea. Good luck with him though! (hands her Snape)

Super Shayde: You think this is bad? Wait till you see the next chapter. Was that really your favorite part? Because I think I can do better. Oh well. And don't sweat it about your story; I know it's hard to come up with randomness. I got tons of Marauders stories that are insane but Avie won't put them up! (Hits Avie over head) PUT THEM UP!

KitKat88: I'm glad. (hands overcookie)

visual purple: I do too. There's your update!


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